Story 1- "Cee comes back home from work, exhausted after the long day. She lives alone in her apartment, so she usually walks into an empty apartment. She is 25 and is doing well at her job and can afford the rent in her 1bedroom apartment all on her own, despite it being located in a pricey location. But despite all that, she feels empty- she had plans of joining a rock climbing group, running marathons and also taking regular badminton coaching, but with work, and managing things alone, she feels overwhelmed. Not being able to do all the things she dreamt of makes her feel like a failure....so, she has given up on the idea of a hobby. "What's the point" is all she can think..."
Story 2- "Ann is a stay-at-home mom, so the world (or at least many she has spoken to) immediately sees her as having an easy life. "I wish", Ann thinks to herself, as she wakes up at 4.30 am to start her day, when many of the people in her neighbourhood, and probably her city, are still asleep. She is 35 and had moved to a different town, 10 years back after marriage, a town where finding jobs in her niche was hard. Then came her two kids, and life seemed to have different things in store for her- without good job prospects in her field, she accepted the role of a caring mother and spouse- she was happy. But then she would see the vlogs of working women (her life before marriage and kids) and the comments from working people. She felt like she was taking up space and not contributing anything- after all, she stayed home all day, how hard is that? Let's forget the fact that she woke up early to make lunch for the kids, her husband and even her mother-in-law. She cleaned the house, even helped the house-help, and took care of her ailing mother-in-law, took care of the bills, groceries, the kids' homework and assignments. By that time, it was already time for dinner- yes, so easy. This made her feel more hesitant to ask for help- "What am I contributing?"
Story 3- "Kesh worked from home, which on paper should give him time to get so much done; after all, he was saving time and money on travel, and was getting to work comfortably from home. At 29, he was living the convenient life many hope for. But the reality was bleak- working from home, meant he had to always be 'ON', otherwise, he would be seen as being offline and slacking off, everyone felt a little too comfortable sending work emails after hours- I mean, it's not like he would have to travel to the office to get the work done. There were days he had lunch while attending meetings because of the 'convenience' of Zoom meetings and switching off mic and camera- the dream. He was clocking out of work at 11 pm sometimes, leaving him only 1-2 hours of 'me time', and so, that's what he did, he indulged in the occasional revenge bedtime procrastination; he stayed up late to watch his favourite shows, play online games or just lay in bed awake, trying to claim the leisure time, he knew he deserved. He was overwhelmed and anxious, sometimes he was slow with his work and made mistakes too, but the same routine repeated..."
Story 4- "Netra had a similar situation to Kesh- At 31, work that swallowed her time and made her day all about finishing deadlines. But one of the major problems Netra faced in her life was maintaining a steady meal plan. She worked from home in a demanding corporate job, and like many, she too finished work way after their designated work timings. And after that, she felt too tired to cook a healthy meal- she had really high standards of what a healthy meal should be; additionally, Netra felt like she deserved treats like ordering online now and then. It is just that, now and then, became almost every day, and it wouldn't have mattered much, had the food not affected her health, but it did. She felt bloated, tired, and sometimes felt anxious too and then guilt would creep in, which only made things worse because she would remain angry at herself for the entire day... but then the cycle would repeat."
Story 5- "Yash had so much to do, and he had so little time in a day; he sometimes wondered why Earth couldn't rotate more slowly, just so he had time to do all the things he needed to do in a day. At 43, he was at a place in his career, he had only dreamt of, and he achieved all that because of his work ethic and hard work. He was one of those kids who always seemed to have time after schoolwork, homework, extra-curriculars and assignments. But ever since he started work, he had struggled to keep the same pace; earlier that meant he had less time to relax or enjoy his free time-because he didn't have any because of his vast to-do list. Now, after all these years, he was overwhelmed- he was married but found it difficult to juggle everything, and he felt worse when he looked around him, because others seemed to have it all figured out. Like they didn't have that critical voice saying, "How could you not complete all the tasks of the day- you were so good at this..."
The people mentioned here aren't real, but I have had these very conversations with people during therapy and also with myself. People of different age groups seem to go through similar experiences as mentioned above (even though the examples only cover ages between 25-43)- mental health concerns generally don't spare people depending on age, money or other external factors.
The measures we talk about here are in no way a cure-all for everyone, but these five steps are just that.. steps forward to helping with our overall wellbeing. They might not have a direct effect on our mental health, but we slowly see things change- the routine adds a sense of control over our lives.
Why Do We Need Routines?
The word 'routine' might have a negative connotation to it for many of us; maybe it is because of routines we were expected to follow in school, the expectations we had to meet, or the monotony in our lives that the word might imply for many of us.
But routines can be beneficial for us since they add some things that are predictable and provide consistency in our daily lives. Maintaining a routine doesn't mean we need to add many things to do; our purpose can be to add 4-5 things that we can do regularly. Consistency with our routine is what helps us make changes in our lives, whether it is to develop a new habit or make changes through therapy. As long as we are consistent, even the smallest steps add up to make a difference. Here are about five things we can do to slowly see a change in our mental health.
1. HAVING HOBBIES THAT CAN BE DONE TO UNWIND-
Cee, in the first story, has set unrealistic standards for herself even when it comes to her hobbies- she has put activities on her roster that don't even match with her work schedule, so instead of feeling relaxed, she feels helpless, demotivated and doomed. She could try to add simple walks instead of training for a marathon just yet, and she could see if parks near her have scheduled activities she enjoys during the weekends- that way, she can indulge in physical activities (the pattern of hobbies she wants to engage in) but without the added commitment, which comes with training for a marathon and a new sport, that seems difficult for her now.
2. KINDNESS TOWARDS OURSELVES AND ASKING FOR HELP WHEN NEEDED-
It can be very easy to say the meanest things to ourselves for every little thing. Mind you, holding ourselves accountable is different from being downright cruel to ourselves.
Saying, "I wish I had handled the conflict without storming off. I have to work on my conflict management skills" is different from saying, "I am truly an idiot, I can't do anything right". One focuses on a specific situation and realises that a particular issue has to be worked on (but with a kinder tone), versus the other, which overgeneralizes and labels the self with terms like idiot and not being able to handle
'anything'. Self-compassion can be helpful for our mental health. Kindness towards ourselves also means that
we reach out for help whenever we need to.
In Story 2, Ann clearly sounded overwhelmed- she didn't have a 9-5 job that paid her well (like she had before getting married), she worked around the house from 4:30 in the morning till later at night, taking part in cooking, cleaning, supervising, managing bills and budget, caregiving and she wasn't paid for it- it made her feel like she wasn't contributing to anything. Ann could talk to her husband and discuss an alternative, like asking for help with some chores or getting some help with taking care of her Mother-in-law's health (In her case, it worked, and they found a more sustainable way to divide chores and do some shared hobbies with her spouse and sometimes even her MIL). Asking for help might not look the same for everyone, though, and communication becomes very important when seeking help.
3. PROPER SLEEP-
Kesh, in the third story, gave up on sleep because of 'Revenge Bedtime Procrastination'- a behaviour where we put off sleep to make up for the lost time, where we couldn't do what we wanted to do. While setting work-related boundaries, wherever he can, might help him get off work earlier, he has to focus on sleeping, too. Proper sleep makes us alert the next day, we have more energy, our mood is better, and we accomplish more, which may help us complete our work sooner. Poor sleep has been connected to feelings of depression, anxiety and even stress to some extent. Not only that, but proper sleep can also improve concentration, leading to fewer errors, and it helps with memory as well.
4. HAVING A BALANCED NUTRITIOUS MEAL-
Nutrition and mental health have a tricky relationship, in that it is not always a direct one. Nutrition may not immediately change our mental health; however, nutritious food rich in different minerals, protein, carbohydrates and fats keeps
our nerves, our brain, our heart and other organs functioning properly. Many people feel more alert, have more energy, and feel stronger, can concentrate better, have better moods and cognitive functions. Healthy meals don't have to be elaborate like the ones shared on Instagram or "What I eat in a day" on YouTube or TikTok; it can be adding some vegetables, eggs or cottage cheese to rice or ramen, even buying store-bought pizza, but also drinking a simple healthy soup one day along with it. Food can be a difficult topic to dwell on, especially when we have had a volatile history with it. Seeing food products as just that- chicken or tofu as a source of protein instead of it being a "good food" and fried chicken as "bad food" when a combination of moderation and adding greens or other food groups can balance things out.
In the fourth story, Netra, is eating food that makes her feel bloated and later guilty too, constantly, and she finds it difficult to have a more balanced diet because she can't do it the exact way 'healthy people do it on social media'. But if she starts by adding things from different food groups like greens, fibre, carbs, proteins and healthy fats whenever possible, she is taking a step towards her goal. The 'perfect diet' might not exist, and with her busy schedule, it is an unrealistic expectation to have of herself.
5- SETTING REALISTIC GOALS FOR OURSELVES-
When we start our day, we usually mentally note the things we want to do or
need to do, and most of us try to pack our time with tasks, responsibilities and goals... things that will make us feel productive; tasks that make us feel like we have made the most of our day. Many of us overdo it, though, after all, our society teaches us to overachieve at every chance we get. Setting goals is great to push us to get out of our comfort zone on occasion, but it also makes life comfortable by adding structure.
But what happens when we set unrealistic goals for ourselves at the personal or professional level? Well, we all have 24 hours in a day, but not all of us have the same resources to use those 24 hours the same way, which means, despite what hustle culture says, putting too much on our plates might stress us, cause anxiety, some people also end up suffering from
gastro-intestinal issues or even death due to overwork.
Not to mention, when we can't achieve all our goals, many of us may feel demotivated, ashamed or compare ourselves to others.
In the fifth story, Yash feels shame and frustration for not being able to do more, and what's worse is, he compares himself to his younger self. The urge to do more (especially as much as he used to when younger) makes him unable to spend quality time with family, either, but that, in turn, makes him feel guilty. Yash might benefit more by seeing where he actually stands right now- what his reality is (he is married, has kids, and his job takes up a lot of time too, he has responsibilities not just towards himself and his career, but his family too), versus how it was in the past (he was younger, he didn't have too many responsibilities). Then Yash could set goals that are relevant to him now, that respect the fact that now, his 24 hours look different.
These five measures might not fit everybody's needs or change things for us overnight, and that is only because we have unique experiences which can affect us differently. But there is existing research that talks about how the above-mentioned points can positively impact our brain function, reduce feelings of loneliness, reduce stress, anxiety or depressive emotions/thoughts, but doing so consistently is very important to experience their benefits. Feel free to share your thoughts below about what helps you in your day-to-day life!
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